I’ve always been a fat girl, I was a fat girl, I’m a fat woman. And my Dad saw me going out to a party once, and I was wearing hot pants, purple hot pants, really ill advised. And I was about to leave the house, and my dad saw me, so he called me in and asked me to sit down.
And I thought, “Euh, I’m going to get ‘The Talk’ now, the “get home early” talk.
But he said, “Okay, you’re wearing very short shorts”, and I said, “Yeah, that’s what you do”, like ‘you’re the fool’.
And he said: “Yeah, well, wearing those shorts they way you are is going to attract a lot of attention, from a lot of men.” So that slightly dumbfounded me. And then he said, “Listen, you deserve all of that attention, because you are a beautiful princess. You are the most beautiful girl at that party and you deserve that attention. But, because you are the most beautiful girl there, you must the choose the right boy. Do not give your attention to the wrong boy.
And never, never, think yourself other than absolutely fantastic.
So I went out that night feeling like a Queen, and I didn’t talk to any boys, because they didn’t deserve me."
- Me: What the fuck are you doing. What. The fuck. Are you doing.
- Me: NICE BLINKER ASSHOLE.
- Me: Why the FUCK are we not even going to speed limit. Why.
- Me: I AM GOING TEN MILES PER HOUR OVER THE SPEED LIMIT WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT
- Me: Shit is that a cop? No.
- Me: Shit THAT is a cop.
- Me: /dinosaur screams/